Overcoming abuse: 'Talking helps you realize you're not alone'

Doing an interview in a SIE, a specialized public service that helps women affected by gender-based violence and their children, is trickier than your average news piece. You need to try to make someone who's gone through unimaginable pain comfortable with opening up to you, a stranger, about some of the most awful things that have ever happened to them. And it's not only that - there's also the very palpable fear of "If I speak up will my ex-partner come after me?"

It takes us a moment to get started when I first arrive at the SIE in Vilanova i la Geltrú, an hour or so down the coast from Barcelona. First we have to come up with what our anonymous survivor's name will be. After tossing around a few ideas, we settle on Toni, which sounds nothing like her real name. 

Before we start the actual interview, Susana Conesa, the SIE director, asks Toni if she'd feel more comfortable changing her clothes. I've already assured them we'll be filming her from behind so only the back of her head and shoulders will be visible in the video, and I tell them we'll be modifying her voice, but they're scared her ex-partner will still be able to recognize her. 

They come back a few minutes later, Toni donning a professional-looking blouse they have on site to loan to women in need, and a scarf she drapes loosely over her head to hide her hair. 

"Love is often associated with possession"

We start talking. It takes her a minute or two to feel at ease, but she soon starts telling me her story, explaining that she first started coming here a couple of years ago. 

"I realized I wasn't doing too well emotionally so I went to my family doctor," she says. She was referred to a psychologist who then referred her to someone else who then referred her to where we are now.

"I remember one day the psychologist told me that what was happening to me was abuse and I was shocked," she says of her ex-partner's behavior - over time she'd become desensitized, unable to recognize it for what it was. "There are things that we've normalized and love is often associated with possession, jealousy, and control. We need to be very careful."

I remember one day the psychologist told me that what was happening to me was abuse and I was shocked

Toni (not real name)

Gender-based violence survivor

It was very difficult for Toni at first: "I could barely speak and I'd get choked up and I'd leave all upset. But later, with time, you realize that this is necessary." 

She still receives counseling at the SIE, which she credits with changing her for the better. "I'm nothing like the woman who first walked through the door," she says. "If I hadn't been helped here, I wouldn't have the perspective I have now."

Sharing custody with an abuser

The SIE also provides abuse survivors like Toni with legal assistance. Toni, who has a child with her abuser, still has to share custody of her son with him. 

Emotional abuse, she says, is much harder to prove before a judge than other forms of violence since it leaves no physical trace. 

"One of the reasons why my child's father was acquitted was because there was a lack of evidence because I did not have a medical report," she says. "A man who has abused you cannot be a good father because he has internalized beliefs that he will pass on to his child.

Despite the continued trauma of having to hand over her son to him, Toni believes she's improved immensely and encourages other women to find someone they trust to talk to. 

"You end up thinking that you're crazy," she says. "Talking to someone about it helps you realize that you're not the problem, the other person is, and that you're not alone."

Talking to someone about it helps you realize that you're not the problem, the other person is, and that you're not alone

Toni (not real name)

Gender-based violence survivor

By the time Toni stops talking, Susana is teary-eyed. "I know just how far you've come," she tells her lovingly. 

"Healing isn't linear"

Every woman has their own life story and their own baggage that will influence their healing process, Susana argues. 

"It isn't linear," she says, explaining that from her experience working with abuse survivors, it will depend on their other factors including "what is happening in their lives as partners, daughters, mothers, their roles in society, their jobs as well as their housing and financial situations."

And while there is still hope for women who suffer this form of violence, she believes there's still a lack of widespread societal understanding of the issue. 

"The world treats women differently because they are women," she says. "It's hard for people to understand this because of our culture and the entire framework and symbolism that prevents us from seeing this."

Anyone in need of assistance can call the 24-hour 900 900 120 hotline or email 900900120@gencat.cat.